Mad About What (part 2)
|Me & Daddy (1969ish)
I believe this is the car
Stokely Carmichael gave him...
I seem to be on a roll and this process, although very draining, has been liberating. It's as though releasing everything I've had bottled up all these months had released me to live again - dramatic I know, but it wouldn't be me if I wasn't!
As I pondered the things I have been angry about I noticed a recurring theme. The enemy, as crafty as he is, lacks originality. He uses the same methods over and over again.. because they work I suppose. In my case his M.O. is to get me to question the character of God in as many areas as possible. My dad's dementia and subsequent death is no exception.
|Daddy, my sister & I (1972ish)|
It is impossible to accurately describe how it feels to watch a man you thought would live forever waste away before your very eyes. To now have to wait for the man whose one step once equaled 10 of yours to catch up. To see the presence that filled the room shrink. To hear the booming voice that commanded attention fade into a whisper. To see the man who brought hundreds to salvation in Christ through his gift of eloquent speech struggle to string a simple sentence together. To say it hurts is woefully inadequate.
I can't count how many times I wondered silently where God was in all this. Again I assumed there were some guarantees in this life. Surely a man who spent his life in the service of God could count on God not to allow him to suffer at the end of his days. Once again God seemed unfair, and without even realizing it, I began to hold it against Him. Every new symptom my dad manifested was another strike in my heart against God. I can't tell you what a dangerous place that is to be...
|Thanksgiving in Baltimore circ 1977|
I don't know much, but I know that when we give in to the lies that the enemy tells us about God, bad things happen. Don't believe me? Check out Genesis 3!
Once I went through my process and recognized what had been happening in my heart, and once I admitted how mad I was at God about it, how hurt I was at the unfairness, once I released all of that to him [and it took a while], it opened the door for God to begin heal and restore me - hence this blog series. With every entry I feel greater release, greater peace, renewed freedom, and, most importantly restored relationship.
I can't lie, I wish this had happened differently. Even so, I'm walking away from this experience with the lessons my dad taught me through his suffering about accepting what God allows and holding on to your faith anyhow... "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him:" Job 13:15a