Mad About What? [part 1 revisited]

Ok, so here are a few things that came up in my heart after my last post:

  • I think my anger has shifted from being angry at God for not sending me a husband yet, to being angry at God for not letting me know one way or the other if marriage is His will for me or not. This whole "limbo" thing is a real pain. I mean on one hand I don't want to seem like I don't have faith and can't wait on God, but on the other hand I don't want to miss out on life waiting for something that looks as though it may never come... I just need a definitive "yay" or "nay" and I'll be on my way [I didn't mean for that to rhyme, but how cool is that?]
  • I'm also mad at the fight that this situation causes within me. What I mean is this. Since the Garden, the enemy's strategy has been to get us to question God's heart toward us. Think about it. The serpent convinced Eve that God was holding out on her; that He didn't really want her to be like Him - the end result was the fall of man. For me the enemy has whispered in my ear since adolescence that love is not meant for me; that my lot in life was to be on the sidelines and watch others' happiness, but not have it for myself. He convinced me that my personality was too much for people and that because I love so hard I overwhelm people and that I could never expect the same in return. At the time I didn't know God so I bought the enemy's lies. This yet to years of trying to "tone myself down" and blend in with the crown - decision I so regret in retrospect.... It is exhausting to spend year after year wondering what's wrong with you, let me tell you. Even after I got saved, I fought with the concept of a loving God who refused to bring love into my life. I fought to reconcile the truth of God's heart toward me against the lies I'd heard - and accepted - for years. I still do on some level and it just makes me mad.
  • While I'm at it I should also mention another battle - the struggle with pride. As I said in my previous post, I have attempted to do things according to the way I understood God says they should be done. First marriage, then sex, then children. It can be very tempting  to compare my self with others and start to think I've done something in and of myself and we all know where pride leads... The truth is that only God has kept me and continues to keep me - especially in the times when I didn't want to be kept... I can't take any credit and none of this makes me better than or more spiritual than anyone else - far from it. I've had to reject people trying to put me on a pedestal, but I've also had to resist the temptation to put myself on one too. Another struggle that just gets on my nerves...
  • I'm also mad about missed opportunities; specifically the opportunity to be a mother. While people my age have children, and even grandchildren in some cases, I feel like I've been cheated of an experience every woman longs for. [Wow, I have never ever admitted that before... but I know He knows] And before someone tells me that it's not too late, I have to say that I told God years ago that I had no desire to be an "old" parent. I love the stories of Sara and Elizabeth, but I never wanted to BE them. I can't see chasing after Isaac at 90 years old, sorry! I always wanted to be able to enjoy my children and see them grow up. At age 45 it seems that ship has sailed and I have accepted it. Still I find it unfair and there are moments, fewer than before but moments nonetheless, where that makes me nail spitting mad! Especially when I see people abusing and killing children everyday... I can't help but question...

I wish I could wrap this all up with a nice, neat, clever yet uplifting sentence, but I can't. The truth is our faith is a fight. The truth is sometimes things are unfair; sometimes there are no answers or explanations, and it sucks rotten eggs!! Bottom line is this: I have to make a choice every day [or more often as necessary] to believe that God is who He says he is and that His heart toward me is love. Whenever I'm hit with what is painful, unfair, perplexing, or INFURIATING, the truth about God needs to be enough. Even while my flesh demands answers and explanations; even when it is impossible to wrap my life up with a pretty bow and call it faith; even when things are messy and complicated God is God... So yeah, I think this concludes Part 1...

UncategorizedIsunji1 Comment