Mad About What? [part 1]
I know… I know. I dropped a bombshell then I disappeared. I won’t bother with excuses or beat around the bush. The truth is I was embarrassed and afraid by the idea of admitting what I’ve been angry about.
You see, I’ve been feeling let down by God. It seems like such an ungrateful thing to say about a God who is so loving and good. What I have found though, after 26 years with Him, is that it is absolutely possible to love and respect God; to believe in His goodness even, and be upset with Him at the same time. I’ve also found that God is not frightened by my 'upset-ness.' He already knows what I’m thinking and feeling, He just wants me to acknowledge it so we can deal with it.
I think felt let down because I bought into the belief that if I did everything by the book, followed all the rules, and was obedient that I could expect some things from God. So I did what I thought were all the right things. It wasn’t with the conscious intent to manipulate God, but I suppose the end result was the same.
I think I’ve mentioned previously that at this stage of my life I always thought I would be married for several years with a few kids finishing high school/headed for college. Instead I find myself single while I watch others living the life I always wanted as wives and mothers. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge anyone happiness. I am genuinely happy for my friends with spouses and families. Still I can’t help feeling overlooked, slighted by God. It’s been very confusing and downright upsetting to me at times – and that’s the honest truth. I identify with the “other son” in the prodigal son story in that sense. Like the father, God seems unfair.
When I was twelve years old I remember a conversation I had with my best friend where I told her I was going to wait until I was married to have sex. I didn't know God personally at that time, but I believe that God received my words that afternoon as a vow to Him; a vow that I kept. After I accepted Christ in college, I took those words even more seriously. Somewhere in the back of my mind I expected something in return for honoring my vow. My twenties went by – nothing, my thirties came and went without so much as a relationship. Now I’m almost half done with my forties, there are still no prospects [that I can see anyway] on the horizon, and God seems more silent than ever. I’m left wondering what to think...
Despite the length of this post, this is not something I dwell on or think about all the time. In fact it is not always such a sore spot, but I would be less than truthful if I didn't admit that there are days, hours, moments when it makes me screaming mad. Maybe because I don't have answers... I don't know if I'm simply called to singleness. I don't know why God doesn't remove the desire if it isn't His will for me. I don't know what to pray in this area. So many 'I don't knows,' and that makes me mad too.
What I've had to do is focus on what I do know. I know that God is good and faithful. I know He loves me and He has a plan for my life. I know He knows what I need. I know He sees the big picture. I know He delights in me and that He is for me. The key is remembering the "knows" when I'm faced with the "don't knows." Easier said than done sometimes. The enemy is always waiting for an opportunity to convince us that God is not who He says He is. The fight is not to believe it - and what a fight it is!
Wow. This post has turned out so much differently than I imagined it would. I pray something here will be a blessing to someone who is struggling to understand God's heart toward them. Be encouraged to know that His love is big enough to withstand and carry us through the disappointments and the angry times of our lives. I'm learning this day by day myself.