Ok, I’ve skirted around the issue, tried to ignore it, and worked hard to suppress it long enough. I’m tired. I can’t run anymore, I can’t lie to myself, or to God (as if that were possible), or other people for another minute. The truth is, I am mad! Foot stamping, fist clenching, tears streaming, hair pulling MAD! I am. To be totally honest (because that’s what this post is all about) I have been mad for a long time.
So why have I avoided admitting and dealing with it for so long? Well, it’s because of Who I am mad at… Brace yourselves. For the last 7 years or more, I have been mad with God! Shew, there I said it. This probably isn’t the uplifting revelation you were hoping for – me neither, but I have to do something – NOW. If I don’t know anything else, I know the enemy uses silence as a weapon. If he can keep us silent about what’s going on with us he knows we are powerless to overcome. BUT the Word says we overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony – that doesn’t just mean the good stuff. There are less than pretty things we all experience that combine with the good things to make our whole testimony. I believe it’s all working for my good.
You see, I can feel myself slipping. I’ve felt it for a while. No, I haven’t done anything crazy, but I can sense that the intimacy of my relationship with God has weakened, especially over this summer. I’ve been going through the motions, but the depth I once enjoyed is missing. I’m going to be completely honest here and tell you that I have probably spent as many Sundays at home as I have in church lately, and that’s not like me especially considering how much I LOVE my church. Oh, and I can’t tell you the last time I had a quiet time and my spirit is ‘fiending’! Don’t get me wrong, I still believe and love God, but because I’ve been mad with him I let a lot of things slip… my silent rebellion I suppose.
Well, I’m over it and I’m ready to face the issues that got me here in the first place. That’s what my next few blogs will be about – my process as I confess what’s been bothering me and allow God to bring me through. I believe that my sharing this will help someone out there who may also be mad with God - so stay tuned, Beloved. In the mean time, this song puts into words what I’ve been feeling… enjoy!