The Sound of Silence
I'm a pretty quiet person by nature, as my blog title indicates. I generally don't have a lot to say most of the time. I prefer to listen, observe those around me, and take in my surroundings... you get the idea.
So you can imagine my surpirse when I realized just today that I am scared to death of silence! Not all silence, mind you, but that silence of the unknown. How's that for irony? 'The Quiet One' is afraid of silence... Is that a hoot or what?
So I started thinking about why this is. I remembered an older sister who was a master at holding grudges. Her punishment of choice for the offending party? The silent treatment! And when I tell you she was good at it, that's what I mean. I was on the receiving end a few times and for me it was pure agony. I often wound up apologizing for things that weren't even my fault just to make it stop. Of course I didn't realize it as a child, but her silence to me equaled rejection.
I thought about it some more and recalled a couple months back when I forwarded my manuscript to a fellow author and didn't hear back for at least a week or two. Not a long time I know, but I was BESIDE myself! For me, her silence meant that she hated the manuscript and was trying to find the least painful way to tell me not to quit my day job! (I should probably add here that it's been suggested that perhaps I have the teensiest tendency to be a tad extreme coupled with a slight flair for the dramatic...the jury is still out on that one.). Just when I was sure I would spontaneously combust or something, I got an email from her telling me how much she loved it. How do you spell relief! (Would you believe I was holding my breath as I typed this segment? I actually got stressed all over again like I didn't know how the story was going to end! LOL)
They just yesterday I made a joke with a friend of mine over the email and she went silent on me. My immediate thought was, "Oh no! Now she's mad! She's never gonna speak to me again! We're not going to be friends anymore!!" (see how I went right for the worst case scenario there?) I didn't hear from her for the rest of the night or most of this morning. I was sitting here trying to decide whether I should show up on her doorstep waving a white flag or send some kind of sorry-gram when an email from her popped up just as cheerful as ever! Well color me surprised! Again in this case, silence represented rejection to me.
Now, I'm one of the most optimistic people I know. I am definitely a glass half full kind of gal until it comes to silence... then the glass is not even half empty, but it's knocked off the table and shattered into a million pieces and water is spilled everywhere.
Here's the scary part - I'm the same way with God. Normally we have a regular dialogue going all the time, so when I ask Him something and I'm met with His silence - my tendency is to think He's rejecting my idea, rejecting me! A perfect example has been His painful, almost eerie silence (20 years worth of silence as of this past August!) about my desire to be married. It causes me to think that he rejects my idea and rejects me as possibly being some one's wife?
I mean what else could it mean?
The thing that strikes me as odd is that I never considered that my author friend, who is anticipating the release of her next book in the coming weeks, had anything to do other than read my manuscript and give me feedback about it. It also never occurred to me that my girlfriend has a home and husband to attend to and just can't spend all day IMing me!
In both cases in never occurred to me to say, "Hey, maybe it's not what I think..." In both cases it wasn't, so now I'm thinking maybe the same holds true with God. Just maybe He's working something out on my behalf that will BLOW MY NATURAL MIND. Maybe this time hasn't been a NO, but a Wait... Ok, so maybe the glass is half full after all!
Something to think about...
Happy Wednesday all!
P.S. - Please be sure to leave your comments cause you know I can't handle the stress! :o)