Ask Me Again...
I was disillusioned, disappointed, doubtful. After so many years of praying, believing, confessing... nothing! My words, my requests, my pleas seemed to hit the ceiling and return to me empty. Eventually I stopped speaking, stopped asking, stopped pleading... after all what was the point? I was tired.
I swallowed my disappointment and moved on. All was going along just fine until the morning God decided it was time to reopen the subject. Instantly I could feel the walls of protection I had built over the years go up. (As if one can "protect" herself from God!) I so didn't want to go down this road again. I couldn't go there again. Besides I was doing just fine, wasn't I?
So He began to minister to me; reminding me of prayers prayed, tears cried, hopes dashed. It seemed so pointless to rehash all of this... I listened, but refused to speak. I didn't have anything to say. This time though, as I revisited my place of pain, I saw something I hadn't seen then. I saw that God was present for every prayer, that He caught every tear, and He walked with me through every disappointment. Not only that, but He showed me that in all of this, He's been leading me somewhere... somewhere that would answer every prayer, wipe away every tear and fulfill every hope. There was only one thing He wanted me to do... He simply said... "Ask me again."
Was He kidding me?. I couldn't do it! I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth about this thing again.. I just couldn't. It was as thought my lips were magnets sealed together. Instantly the battle waged within me. On one hand my spirit man wanted to obey, to simply ask again and see what God was going to do next, but my flesh had bells and whistles and red lights flashing warnings to me - "don't do it!" "remember what happened before?" "don't put yourself through it again?"
Again God said quietly...
"Ask me again."
I was silent.
"You have not because you ask not."
I couldn't get my mouth to work. (fear is a nasty opponent)
"You still haven't said anything..."
Everything on the inside of me was screaming at this point. I'm trying, Lord! I want to but I'm afraid!!!
"Ask me again."
Finally with tears streaming down my face and heart pounding hard and fast in my chest I forced my mouth open and managed to utter my request one more time. The freedom and release that followed defy description. I felt my walls come down and I knew in that instant that a part of my relationship with God had been restored.
I'd love to say that I woke up the next day and my request was granted, but it was not. At least it hasn't manifested in this realm yet, but I'm expecting it any day because I asked again. I know now that God is taking me somewhere and that's enough for me now. The thing is, even if I never see it come to pass, I am ok. I'm just grateful to a God who takes the time to walk through with me. Asking again was one of the hardest things I've been called on to do, but I'm glad for the experience because God restored my faith, my joy and my hope.
We've all be disappointed with God at one time or another. It's part of the human/Divine experience. I can't begin to answer the why's of your individual situation, and I would never try, but I will offer this. Maybe God is saying the same thing to you that He said to me that morning - "Ask Me Again?" I know it's painful, and scary, and you don't want to go there again. That's only natural. May I encourage you to try Him one more time and let Him prove Himself to you. Let Him bring healing to your places of disappointment and restore your faith, your joy, your hope...
Will you ask again?