"There you go again slippin
Doin the things you said you'd never do again
You hear me callin your name, you're hiding
But I know just where you are
So close but yet so far
Turn around and see the miles you've come
Do you really wanna go back
Just to start again Oh my friend
I can't bear to see you go out that way
Don't make the mistake of letting go
Don't be afraid I'm here
Hold on to me your slippin
Pretending everything is okay in the front of the crowd-your smilin
But soon after everyone's gone, you're all alone You're not fine-you're slippin
Take off the mask with me I see your heart, it's hurting
If you wanna stay with me, I need honesty Don't play with me, You're slippin
Can't make it on your own, stop tryin I've got the power to keep you from fallin
If I could just have the chance to show you what real happiness is like
Together we'll win the fight."
(CeCe Winans - Slippin' - Everlasting Love CD)
You talk about somebody being frustrated! That's me. Frustrated with myself that is. I mean, c'mon I've been saved for 23 years for crying out loud! Aren't there things I should know better by now? Aren't there struggles I should be over with by now? Apparently not! Because here I am 23 years later finding myself in the same struggle wondering how on earth I ended up here again - slipping into old habits and thought patterns that I know are no good for me.
If nothing else, it's been a lesson for me in authenticity. Will I do what I've done in the past and pretend all is well and do and say all the right things in front of people? Will I go through this alone and in silence again? Will I shy away from God's presence until I can "get myself together?" (what a lie from the pit that is!!) Will I slip away again OR will I do something different this time and stay close to God rather than move away from Him? Will I reach out to someone and be honest about what's going on so they can pray with me and I can be healed like James said? Well, I know that if I do what I've always done, I'll get what I've always gotten - a long drawn out restoration with a mass of guilt and condemnation thrown in along the way.
I can't go through that again. I'm tired... tired of crying about it, thinking about it, carrying anger and resntment about it.... Nope, not this time. So I decided to stay close to God no matter how uncomfortable it gets (as if He doesn't already know... duhhh!) and to reach out to trusted a couple other people who have had similar struggles and have them pray with/for me. The surprise is that I'm making it through much faster this time and I don't feel alone and isolated in the process. Also, there's been none of the usual guilt and condemnation, only repentance and forgiveness and the freedom that comes with them. I have to be honest - it hasn't been easy. Every piece of flesh in me wants to run and hide and do what I've always done. It's been a fight to stay in God's presence anyway, to talk to people about what's going on with me - even close people, to ride this wave with help instead of carrying it all alone. The good news is, I'm winning this time.
So, although I wish I didn't have to go through these times, I know this won't be the last time. The specific struggle might be different, but the process is the same. It's such a comfort to know that, unless I choose to, I don't have to go through it alone anymore! This just reminds me again of how good God is to us and how He is the answer to EVERTHING that comes our way. Now if that's not worth a shout break, I don't know what is!