Somewhere in Between
I had a conversation with God the other day on the way to work. I so love and appreciate the way God deals with each of His children as the individuals He created us to be. In my case, God knows that some subjects are touchy for me, so He chooses the right time to approach me about them so I don't shut down. This was one of those times and one of those subjects. I was thinking about one of my best friends who is getting married later this summer and eventually that led to thoughts my singleness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those bitter women mad at the world or one of those sisters pining away for a man. At least not anymore... Those days have come and gone for me. Thinking about my girlfriend's upcoming nuptials simply made me reflective and left me open, with my guard down, leaving space for God to minister to me.
He started by asking me why I thought I was still single. Instantly I recalled things that had been said to me over the years by well meaning saints attempting to bring understanding as to why I was 30 then 35 then 40 (it'll be 42 in 25 days)…and still not married. So I answered with the things I'd been told over the years – because you don't think I'm ready, because I don't wear dresses more, because I don't shop in bulk, because I don't cook everyday, because my house isn't always spotless, because I haven't lost any weight, because my hair is natural, because I don't wear makeup every single day, because I'm not confessing, praying and believing, because, because, because… Talk about pressure! I get it. I'm NOT the Proverbs 31 woman. In fact I might just be her polar opposite! Regardless of what was said or the intentions behind it, what I heard was always the same. I am single because, obviously, I fall short.
When I finished with my tirade He asked me another question. "Did I ever tell you that you wouldn't get married?"
"No," I admitted, "but you never told me that I would either, so I don't know what to believe. Instead I'm stuck in limbo." This uncertainty about God's will in this area has been a major source of confusion for me for years. Circumstances seem to indicate that marriage simply isn't in the cards for me. Again come the voices of those well meaning saints bringing reminders about how we walk by faith and not by sight, how it's not good for the man to be alone, and how I should confess that I'm a good thing to be found everyday and believe and not doubt in my heart. That's all true, but what about when you don't know what to believe, where to walk, what to confess? What then? Crickets… thought so.
I poured it all out to God as I stared out the window of the commuter bus barely cognizant of the traffic whizzing by and waiting for His response which was - "I need you to be okay with you not knowing. Learn to let it be enough that I know the plans I have for you." He may as well have spoken in Chinese because I had no clue what to do with that. You can't tell a control freak to give up control – it messes with our heads. However the fact remained I tried everything else. I tried it my way. I tried what others thought I should do. Maybe it was about time to let go and let God do it His way.
I can't explain how or why, but instantly I felt lighter in my heart and I'm freer in this area than I've ever been before, which makes me think that maybe it's less about having everything in my life perfect and more about having a heart that's open for whatever God wants to do in and through me. That being said, I'm okay with being the Proverbs 30 and 1/2 woman.